Wowzers, is this man gorgeous OR WHAT? Look at that goatee on loan from Moses’ cooler brother and the smile that could cut Plexiglas. The Prototype has a new muse, ladies and gents…and it ain’t no daughter of Zeus.
But allow me to take a few steps back for a moment before I get into the whimsical aura of a man whose nickname is one letter away from the yummy yellow stuff at the center of my morning eggs.
For three years, on a now defunct website call Olympian Shadow Farm, I had a column entitled "Truth from the Prototype of Tomorrow’s Sensational Men" where I, in despicable fashion, detailed the little victories and big defeats during my ongoing venture as a screenwriter who couldn’t break into the Hollywood cool-club with a pair of polymer-framed pistols and a Jewish uncle. Last April, after giving up a deliciously mind-numbing love affair with marijuana, I also gave up said column and it’s ability to view my life’s horror under a magnifying glass to try to set a more positive tone to my existence. The retired bong, and a steamy new relationship with a sand nymph named Jenn, changed the conditions of my disposition. Partly cloudy gave way to mostly sunny.
In the year+ since, amidst a much-needed move out of Hollywood and in with the sand nymph in Los Feliz, the urge to emotionally purge in column form continued to lay comatose. My writing time had been Shanghaied by "takes."
You see, when a screenwriter finally gets a name for himself and said reputation wins him an agent worth half a ****, that screenwriter is hand-dipped in the tarry vat of "takes." The studios and endless rash of Production Companies with clever monikers such as Plan B Entertainment and One Race Films (Vin Diesel’s company, by the way), have open writing assignments. These may include scripts needing a rewrite, purchased news articles needing a spine and simple "ideas" needing EVERYTHING (For example, "Three Long Island brothers discover they’re the last descendants of Hitler – GO!", which is an idea that was actually handed to me). Young, new screenwriters, green, broke and stupid, then offer their "take" on that project. The take includes characters, settings, themes, "trailer moments" and thoroughly devours a few weeks of life-force. The young writers are not paid for the "takes" and essentially provide free development for these suits who wouldn’t recognize a fresh idea if it bore through their belly button and planted a fern in their colon. If that take is eventually accepted by the producers, then it is practiced endlessly with a stopwatch on the writer’s bathroom floor before being pitched in front of Studio Executives all listening closely for a reason to "pass." It’s the most insulting and demoralizing process I have ever been through. My Documents are busting at the seams with worthless, rejected "takes" on projects I wouldn’t in my right mind pay to see, let alone add to my Netflix Queue.
Last Friday, 2 days ago, I learned that my "take" for the Walt Disney project entitled "Amigos" had been rejected due to another writer’s take that was "a bit of a bigger idea." The "too small" diagnosis is one of the most popular pass excuses for takes, second only to "too episodic." The "Amigos" project has Tim Allen and George Lopez attached to star and the title alone should be able to paint a clear enough rendering of what this PG-13 laffer is all about. The rage that struck me, losing this job to rewrite a story I would never in my right mind pay to see, suddenly seemed incredibly ridiculous. The amount of brain energy wasted on trying to find hilarious set-pieces to put Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and George "Who Gives a F*ck" Lopez in could’ve gone towards expressing myself about something that actually matters to me.
Like #20 with a goatee on loan from Moses’ cooler brother.
This morning, in the shower, my thoughts free-floating pixies, I found myself dwelling over Kevin Youkilis. No, I wasn’t soaping up my knob at that moment. This wasn’t a sexual dwell. It was a man-crush dwell. Kevin Youkilis is the most awesome human on the planet right now…currently laying the first bricks of a future legendary status. I got myself all excited. Kevin gets me excited about life.
Today, I decided, I want to write a new kind of "take." A publication that can’t be rejected. A piece on my reemergence into on-line blogging and the husky first basemen that led me there. First part’s over. Now it’s time for Kevin.